The Cycle of Abuse
If you’ve never been in an abusive relationship, you’re probably going to have a hard time understanding what would keep a person in a situation that’s so unhealthy and soul-crushing. This applies whether we’re talking about emotional and verbal abuse, or physical abuse. People who find themselves in these kinds of relationships didn’t land there out of the blue. A person who’s allowing herself or himself to be abused is a person in pain, and judging or shaming someone because they aren’t strong enough to get themselves out of harm’s way, is only going to compound their pain. The last thing a person needs in that situation is to feel someone else’s disdain; people allowing themselves to be abused are already swimming in shame and guilt and low self-esteem. What they need is support.
According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, an estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year, and 1 in every 4 women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. It’s not just an issue for women, there are cases where men are being abused by their female partners, but it’s an overwhelmingly larger issue for women.
People who come out of abusive homes tend to seek out those relationships in their adult lives; we gravitate toward what we know, even if what we know feels terrible. So, too, do children of alcoholics tend to marry alcoholics. This might seem insane from the outside, but it’s what Freud called the “repetition compulsion”, what Jung referred to when he said, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life, and you will call it fate”, and what Einstein defined as insanity, “Doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.” Yogis call these “samskaras”, or grooves that we play out again and again. We all want to heal and be happy, but a lot of the time, we avoid the very work that would bring us peace. Instead of examining, facing, and working with our pain, we run from it, or deny that it’s there, or numb it out, and then we call into our lives those situations that evoke the same ancient dynamic. We don’t do it on purpose, we’re just driven to heal, to overcome, to master those feelings we couldn’t master as children.
This isn’t a formula that works פתח. When we call an abuser into our lives so we can overcome our original pain, we simply find ourselves powerless once again. We revert back to that scared kid. We think, it must be us, it must be our fault, because look, it’s happening again. We think we don’t measure up, we must not be lovable. Sometimes people put themselves in a powerless position financially. Maybe there are kids in the mix, and they think they should take it, because at least the family is intact, and the abuse isn’t affecting the kids (of course it is). There are all kinds of reasons people stay. They might not make any sense from the outside, but if you haven’t lived someone else’s life, don’t expect to understand the way they think about things. Let’s talk about the other side, here, too. Abusers didn’t just become violent out of the blue. Most abusers were abused themselves. That doesn’t make it okay, but condemnation helps no one.
When we doubt that we’re loveable or worthwhile or of value, we’re likely to call people into our lives who reflect those doubts back to us, and if you’re in a situation like that, you might think, “If only I could get this person to love me, then I’d be happy.” Or maybe things are really, really good a lot of the time, and just every so often, your partner hauls off and punches you in the face. It’s never okay. Abusers manipulate. They sweet-talk. They’re contrite. Maybe they cry and tell you it will never happen again, but it always does. Maybe you think if you just love your partner enough, he’ll stop. Maybe you think it’s your fault because you provoke him. Whatever the stories, the bottom line is, none of us was put here to be a punching bag. Love does not abuse you, mistreat you, disrespect you, lie to you, or hit you in the face. Not ever. You can’t be in love with someone’s potential, and in the meantime, excuse his or her behaviour, not if that behaviour is causing you physical or emotional pain. There’s nothing to be ashamed about. We all have pain, we all suffer, and sometimes we just don’t have the tools or the strength to get ourselves to a safe space. If that’s where you’re at, you have to reach out and get yourself some help. A good therapist is a great place to start. You have to get to the root of the thing. You have to figure out when you started believing you were not worthy of love. You really need to dig that root up, and cut yourself away from it, because that root was planted in the soil of lies. Let me just say that most men are as outraged about this as women. It’s really important to me that these conversations don’t alienate anyone. As always, these are problems we need to solve together, and the only way we can do that is by bringing them into the light so we can help each other.
Sending you love,
Ally Hamilton
A Yogic Perspective on Violence
Spirit does not recognise colour, gender, class, or nationality. Spirit sees only the heart and the energy that each individual radiates to the Whole—which includes the individual self, along with all else of life (plants, animals, other people, and the rest of nature).
A couple of months ago, I was in India and asked my grandfather, a 95-year-old yogi, the following question: If he had to give one piece of advice to the next generation, what would it be? My grandfather replied, “Forget these labels of Indian, Pakistani, American, and relate to each other as human.” “Yes,” my soul responded, with relief, hope, and knowing.
Last week, my four-year-old daughter celebrated flag day at her American small town pre-school. As I watched her march with her Indian flag, my emotions were mixed. I love India, and I am happy to be of Indian descent. It is nice to connect with a community or a country and feel a sense of belonging—but not at the expense of separating myself from those of different ethnicities.
That night, I came home and “randomly” chose words from the Indian philosopher, Krishnamurti. This is what I read: “When you call yourself an Indian or a Muslim or a Christian or a European or anything else, you are being violent. Do you see why it is violent? Because you are separating yourself from the rest of mankind. When you separate yourself by belief, by nationality, by tradition, it breeds violence.
A man who is seeking to understand violence does not belong to any country, to any religion, to any political party or partial system; he is concerned with the total understanding of mankind.”
Of course, reading these words was likely not random. There’s a good chance the universe was answering my inquiry. Spirit is constantly with us, responding to our every thought, but we need to be receptive, present, and available for the communication. A daily practice of steady, rhythmic movement, coupled with meditation, cultivates qualities of relaxation in body and mind that allow spirit to commune with Spirit.
The practice of yoga is not, of course, owned by India and Tibet. Indigenous cultures around the world have cultivated practices of meditative movement, special diet, and open communication to heal the individual so that he/she can live in harmony with the Whole.
Seek to relax all the ways in which you label and identify yourself. This will help you to strengthen your own unique and personal connection with the invisible world. You will likely see that Spirit is and always has been answering your every call.
BY REEMA DATTA
Teaching Yoga To Victims Of Sexual Violence: What I learnt.
Back when I was living on the Gold Coast I started a small program called Warrior Women Yoga. The program was designed for a group of incredible women who had suffered sexual violence and rape. Yoga, meditation, breathing techniques, affirmations and mantras was our weekly focus yet I truly believe I learnt just as much (if not more) from facilitating this course, as the wonderful women did.
These women stirred something deep within my soul and thus began my own personal journey into discovering the truth (and enormous scale) of gender discrimination. There were a few important lessons and understandings I took away from my time with these women and I will share them in this post.
Be mindful of the people in your class – This one is for the yoga teachers out there.
As teachers we need to be extremely mindful and conscious of the yogis in our class. We may look out onto the rows of people and see happy faces all ready for their class, but beneath the smiles and positive attitudes is a wealth of experiences (good and bad), memories, triggers and pain. Don’t assume that everyone is your class immediately feels safe and comfortable.
Admittedly the women I taught all suffered extreme cases of abuse, leaving them very vulnerable and untrusting. However, 1 in 5 women will experience some form of sexual abuse in their life time, so the fact is you will definitely have someone in your class that is a victim of sexual abuse.
One of the women in class wanted the door left open, while another begged me to keep it closed, the majority of the group didn’t close their eyes in meditation, refused the foot massage at the end of class and wouldn’t even consider opening their legs out wide for a big hip opener. Aspects of a yoga class that the average person may not even notice turned out to be huge hurdles for these brave women. Awakening to all these hidden obstacles I now try to offer more options, more choices and I always ask permission to touch people before adjustments. I have began using phrases like ‘I invite you to…’ or ‘If if it feels good try…’ it’s all about letting the students feel like they are in charge of their own bodies.
In general, luminous teachers, just be aware, be conscious. Create relationships with your students, ones where they feel they can communicate with you and share any fears. Teach a class where everyone will feel safe and comfortable. We just never know the experiences or situations of the people in our class, open your mind to the possibilities and open your heart to all.
The first few weeks of Warrior Women was a learning curve for everyone involved. The ladies I taught had never done yoga before and I had never taught such an unique group of women. After time, once we ironed out the creases, it was like I had acquired a new family. They became my sisters and I loved them so very much. I saw them go from strength to strength as our bonds as group became stronger and stronger. Many of the women began meeting outside of the group and talking to each other daily, offering support, advice and friendship.
It showed me the power and magic that occurs when women unite. If one lady was having a bad week or broke down during class, her sisters swarmed around to comfort and uplift her. One sensational lady became so empathetic and supportive of the others, that towards the end of the program she announced she was starting college to become a councillor, so she can help other women who have suffered sexual violence. My heart exploded. The power of women. The power of sisterhood and love and connection. Wow.
Sometimes I log onto social media and read the judgemental, harsh and horrible comments women leave on other womens photos, it truly breaks my heart. Women suffer enough discrimination in this world without dishing it out towards one another. We can achieve so much more when we empower each other and share our divine femininity. We never know what someone else is going through and as women we are awesome at hiding how we truly feel. Never judge, never assume, just love. \Always give love. I believe this course wouldn’t have been so beneficial if the special bonds between the women were not formed. It’s extremely comforting to have people beside you who understand, listen and that offer compassion. Reach out to the women around you, talk about sexual violence, ask about each others past, offer advice, empathy and time together. Dig deep and create your own sisterhood that emancipates the women around you.
‘Empowered Women, Empower Women.’
Understandably most of the women in my class were extremely untrusting of men and had no male support, love or influence in their lives. I have been ridiculously blessed with the men in my life, they are gentle, respectful, caring and compassionate. It was like a cold shower waking me up to the fact that not all women have good men (or women) in their life. I believe that men and women need each other, the yin to the yang. It’s a perfect balance and we compliment each other, I’m not just talking about relationships but in the form of friendships, companions and family as well.
More than ever before we need men standing along side women in this fight for equality. It’s not women against men, nor men against women, it has to be a oneness, standing strong together, side by side until the end. I talk to my fiancé about the discrimination of women all the time and one day, as we are sitting around in a group of friends someone made the most sexist, violent joke about women. My beautiful man turned to him and said ‘You shouldn’t talk about women that way, it’s extremely disrespectful’. Once again, *boom* heart exploded. If I had said something as a women, it wouldn’t have been taken as seriously (the harsh truth) but because a man rejected this joke the whole group stopped in silence. The man apologised and something shifted within the group. An understanding arose that maybe it’s not OK to promote violence against women, even in the joke form. It is going to take men, all men to stand up with women and say ‘this is NOT ok’. So ladies, talk to your beautiful men about these issues. Talk to your sons, your friends, your fathers! The biggest change starts with the way that men view and regard women, so get talking, singing and dancing in the name of women.
We all have the power to help – Yes, even YOU!
I often get this overwhelming, horrible feeling that there is too much in the world to fix. How can I help everyone, the animals, the children, the women, the men, the environment? It’s daunting and to be honest, impossible. But I can help someone, I can help some animals and I can care for some of the environment. Imagine if everyone did this, the world would be ridiculously awesome! We can’t change the world over night, but we can offer help, aid and connection where ever we are. Teaching these women has inspired me to continue helping and assisting with other causes. It creates a happiness within that no other experience can offer. I now know that one women I taught is going on to teach and empower other women. What a feeling, what a blessing. Work together, love one another and offer your support where ever and when ever you can. Together we can create equality. Together we can change the world.
A man goes out on the beach and sees that it is covered with starfish that have washed up in the tide. A little boy is walking along, picking them up and throwing them back into the water.
“What are you doing, son?” the man asks. “You see how many starfish there are? You’ll never make a difference.”
The boy paused thoughtfully, and picked up another starfish and threw it into the ocean.
“It sure made a difference to that one,” he said.
by Vicky the Yogi. Follow her and the Chef’s adventures here.